ANTM All-Stars: Who's Excited?

You guys.  I don't think anything could stop me from blogging about America's Next Top Model this cycle.  Nothing - not even if Andre Leon Talley strangled me with a sequined warlock cloak.  I'd find some way to blog from the beyond, hoping that the CW broadcasts in the netherworld.

You see, it's the All-Star Cycle.  Meaning, Tyra's bringing back former contestants to compete one more time for the honor of being America's. Next. Top. Model.  I won't lie; at first I thought, "Yes!  This is great way to bring back my genuine favorites, like Joanie, and Mercedes, and April, and Nik!"  But then Tyra released the contestant list.

And it's so much better.

The models returning to ANTM are, predictably, girls who didn't win and are game for having a second go of it for one reason or another - either the prizes, or a chance to be on reality TV again, or maybe they just really missed hanging out with Mr. Jay.  Regardless - these broads are all a little bit kooky and I cannot wait to see what insanity they bring over the course of the cycle.  Let's peruse their pictures, shall we?

ALEXANDRIA (C16)

Oh, Alexandria.  Back so soon?  Somehow Alexandria got the Bitch Edit of her cycle, which honestly I felt was a bit unfair.  To me, she didn't seem to have an aura of malevolence so much as a slight dearth in self-awareness, which frankly makes her the perfect reality show contestant!  She takes good pictures, gives daffy sound bites, and raps in confessional - all in complete seriousness.  In short, Alexandria is perfect for ANTM.  Look at that crazy tiger pose, no pants and everything!  I can't wait for more.

ALLISON (C12)

I get the feeling, personally, that Allison is one of the less zany contestants this year... and Allison is obsessed with nosebleeds and kept her weave in a candy jar.  So, this is telling information!  Actually, I think Allison will do well (again) this time around, and I'm looking forward to what kind of portfolio she'll crank out.  And I wonder if she'll get a new makeover?  It'd be interesting if she had a different hair color.

ANGELEA (C14)

Where do I even begin with Angelea?  I mean, you can tell from the photo that this lady has sass.  You can also tell from the photo that maybe that's not the best way to place your fur jacket.  But hey, I noticed the clothes, so maybe Angelea's got it right when it comes to modeling.  In any case, I can't decide if Angelea will make me laugh or make me cringe.  Hopefully it'll be a little of both.

 BIANCA (C9)

I hope, so very much, that Bianca tells someone this cycle to "check [her] thighs in the mirra" because I'm pretty sure my life would be made.  I will also accept her "and I'm DONE" at every exit from the room.  In all honesty, I find Bianca's "bitchiness" delightful and I think she's a really good model - she keeps popping up in the Project Runway finales!  Of course, she did have that smackdown with Nikki Blonsky in a Caribbean airport, but... we just won't talk about that.
 

BRE (C5)

Bre!  I loved Bre.  Her attitude manifested in the most hilarious of ways, until it actually got kind of serious when she flipped her shit over some granola bars.  But I don't hold that against her.  I love her look, and honestly I was surprised to see her come back to ANTM because I see her on shampoo commercials almost every time I have the TV on.  But maybe she just wanted to hang out with fellow "woman of class" (hee!) Lisa D'Amato again.

BRITTANY (C4)

Through the history of Top Model, there have been many Brittanys.  This is the Brittany I will remember most, with her crazy Janice Dickinson looks and almost-as-crazy-as-Janice-Dickinson personality.  Remember that time she screamed at the other girls to shut up in the car?  Fantastic!  Actually, Brittany was one of the show's few masters of that weird sexy-but-innocent look, and she had a pretty solid portfolio.  I'm looking forward to seeing what she brings to the table this time around.

CAMILLE (C2)

Camille?!  Is that really you?!  I am ecstatic Camille is coming back.  The original bitch?  The girl who coined the phrase "signature walk," because she really was that self-assured in her kickass-but-criticized runway skills?  Oh, honey.  Welcome home.  Although, I do wonder - Camille's 33.  Does she really stand a chance of winning this thing?  I'm not sure I care.  I just want her back to coin more phrases - she'd do much better than "smize" and "modeling H-to-T."  And clearly she's already suited for Tyra's space-aged, pantsless wardrobe!  Gasp!  Maybe she's planning a hostile takeover.

DOMINIQUE (C10)

Dominiiiiiiique.  Poor Dominique was saddled with the Bitch Edit as well, which was kind of unfortunate because she seemed like a sweetheart in her post-show interviews.  I think she's just a little daffy, which makes me like her all the more.  Anyone who triumphantly shouts "Brasilia!" and sometimes looks like a drag queen is A+ in my book.  I mean, look how well she's rocking the masculine-meets-feminine look in that tie-meets-feathered skirt combo!  There is not an ounce of sarcasm in my voice when I say she is werkin' it.

ISIS (C11)

For those not in the know, Isis was Top Model's first (and only, thus far) transgendered contestant.  At the time of her original participation, she was pre-op, but taking hormone injections - and despite her nerves, took a damn good bikini photo.  She was eliminated fairly early on, though.  Since then, Tyra's actually helped foot the bill for her gender reassignment surgery and Isis is now living in the body she felt she should have been born with.  I'm curious to see where she fits in with all the intense personalities around her, because she was so go-with-the-flow in her own season, but I hope she does well!

 KAYLA (C15)

Ooh, Kayla!  Kayla is one of the few out lesbian women the show has had - and a damn good model to boot.  I swear up and down that if her cycle weren't the "high fashion cycle," she would have straight-up (er, pardon the phrasing) won that thing.  Kayla has a huge advantage in this competition in that a) she's still young, b) she's a really good model, and c) she's not crazy.  My money is on her for the win.
 

LAURA (C12)

Okay, here's what you need to know about Laura.  She's from Kentucky, she used to castrate bulls on a regular basis, and her grandma Wanda Sue used to make her clothes.  OH AND SHE'S 5'6.  She's from the short cycle!  Don't get me wrong; I love Laura dearly (such spunk!  so endearing!) but I just can't see how she can be judged in the same way as all the tall girls.  But maybe she'll steamroller them - who knows?

LISA (C5)

As you can see from the picture, Lisa is a delightful kook.  She also maybe loves red wine a little too much, but I'm pretty sure she went on Celebrity Rehab for that.  (I'm not positive.  I don't keep up with the VH1 reality shows very well.)  But Lisa taught me to always take a break and eat a cookie (and did so wearing crazy clown makeup, sunglasses, false teeth, and a curly wig) so I really can't be mad at her.  She did pee in an adult diaper while at a photoshoot too, though... so professionalism might be a problem.

SHANNON (C1)

Okay, I confess: Shannon might be the All-Star I'm most excited to see again.  It's been so long!  She's from the original cycle, where Tyra and Janice Dickinson bumped elbows at judging simply because the tables were so small!  Shannon was a great model, and some days I think she should have won.  She's gorgeous, with a thousand-watt smile, and her personality is adorable.  But that was then... how have the last eight years (?!) treated Shannon?  I'm dying to find out.

SHEENA (C11)

When Sheena Sakai made it on the show, she hollered, "You ain't ready for this yellow fever.  One time for the Asiaaaaans!"  And then I loved her forever.  No, in all seriousness, Sheena's pretty great.  There have been a dearth of Asian contestants (this is me shaking my head at you, Ty-Ty) and no winners, so maybe Sheena can deliver.  She had a problem coming off a little "hoochie" in photos, but hopefully she worked that out and will kill this thing!

As you can see, almost everyone is crazy.  And I'm loving it.  I'm also loving the fact that I already know SO. MUCH. about these girls and we're only in for some more insanity.

As for predictions?  Right now my money is on Kayla for the win, with Allison, Sheena, Bre, and Bianca rounding out the Top 5.  But we'll see!  The season starts September 14th.

America's Next Top Model: Cycle 16 Starts Tonight!

And, bless her, Tyra has given us this little gem:

I really can't do much else but laugh and shake my head when I watch this video.  Tyra's never gonna let us forget who the real star of this show is, is she?  But, I have to hand it to her - those were some pretty spot-on impressions of the girls that usually traipse through the auditions.  And I always appreciate when a show is aware of its own reputation, especially when that reputation is one of insanity. 

So, another cycle of crazy begins tonight, and I must say, I'm excited.  Granted, my interest has been renewed in this aging show ever since I started up a Fantasy Top Model league with my sister and brother-in-law.  A little competition on the side makes everything more exciting - especially considering I've had the winning model for the past three seasons*.  Holler!  

I haven't drafted my team yet, but I'll let you guys know who I've picked and how they're doing.  I'm perennially nervous I'm going to break my streak.  But I'm determined to win, or my name isn't Angora Nylandra Tapatia Michaels**!

*Okay, this is a technicality for Ann's win, because Ann was a floater and didn't belong to anyone's team.  So, the runner-up was Chelsey, who happened to be my girl.  I still count it, thankyouverymuch!  And Krista and Nicole were certifiably on my team in the seasons previous.

** It isn't. 

ANTM Cycle 15: Did it live up to expectation?

Back in September, I posted my hopes and dreams for a kickass cycle of America's Next Top Model. The involvement of Italian Vogue and the proclaimed "high fashion cycle" had me excited for something new and far less cheesy and commercial than recent cycles.

Well, last night was the finale, and the winner was crowned, so I feel obligated to reflect. If you haven't seen the episode, read no further! There be spoilers!

So, as mentioned, this cycle held a lot of promise. Tyra seemed to cut back on weird random CGI effects, cheesy gimmicks, lackluster guests, and trying to make "smize" happen.

Most of these things stayed true throughout Cycle 15. We got more "high fashion" photoshoots, and Tyra seemed to really care about recreating real-life situations than living in her weird little Top Model glam bubble. Imagine that: the models' house in Milan was NOT an ode to glittery excess, and more like an actual model's apartment! I think that was my favorite part of the whole cycle, and the girls still bitched about the modesty of the abode. Sigh.

Tyra even beefed up the model know-how: she gave the girls one-on-one help with their portfolios, and arranged for them to meet with representatives from Versace. We got some heavyweight guest judges, from Diane Von Furstenberg (I would like her to read me bedtime stories) to Zac Posen to Roberto Cavalli, and even (this cycle's buzz word!) Patrick DeMarchelier, all of whom gave good advice to each of the girls. The best part? These were people that even I had heard of, and I'm no fashion student! (Seriously, I'm petrified of buying skinny jeans.)

But, does this all add up to a successful cycle? I'm hesitant to say yes. As much I do like this season's winner, Ann, I'm unsure her victory was entirely fair. It almost seemed like Tyra was under specific instruction to deliver Ann directly to the doorstep of Italian Vogue without any obstacle. The conspiracy theorist in me is just too cynical to think that this girl actually merited five first call-outs in a row, and no one ever breathed a word of concern about her raggedy presentation, mumbling commentary, and awkward runway walk - not to mention her complete inability to be commercial.

I don't want to come off as an Ann hater. She was a charming sort of underdog, with her gangly appearance, goofy jokes, and go-with-the-flow attitude. But I think she's exactly that: an underdog. Yet, it felt like Tyra was shoving her down my throat as someone to watch out for. Call me crazy, but giving first call-out to the same girl for the first five photoshoots is just unwarranted, for any girl. (Also, boring.) I would have liked Ann of my own accord, without everyone in the competition pointing at her and saying "OH MY GOD FLAWLESS PHOTOS." It was never Ann herself, but rather the cycle's treatment of her that made me want to dislike the poor girl.

The truth of the matter is that Ann has The Look. She's stunning in full makeup and in front of the camera. You can't fake that, and I wish that Tyra & Co. were just upfront about this fact. I wish that Tyra had just said, "Look. Ann is exactly what Italian Vogue is looking for. Models don't need to speak, have a personality, or present themselves particularly well, as long as they deliver flawless photos. The proof is in the pudding." I would have been okay with that.

But instead, the judges just glossed over Ann's shortcomings and tried to play up everyone else's. Poor Jane got a "no personality" edit and Chelsey got an "ambitious bitch" edit... neither were entirely warranted, I believe. In the finale, I personally felt that Chelsey had the better runway walk, the better CoverGirl photo, and the better sense of business etiquette in her meeting with the rep from IMG. But Ann has The Look, and in the Italian Vogue cycle, that trumps all.

I don't mean to detract from Ann's victory. She'll be stunning on the pages of Italian Vogue, and I hope she has a great career. Also, I would love an original Ann drawing, like the Napkin Last Supper she drew during hers and Jane's amazing Loser's Night of Vodka and Chinese Food! I would also settle for a fried Oreo, her apparent culinary specialty.

But I don't like feeling that her win was manipulated. Vogue is Vogue, and Ann is perfect for them. And this season was not about CoverGirl, or Seventeen magazine, or being relatable, or selling a product on camera. It was about Vogue, and Vogue's involvement in the show has made it more legitimate than it's been in years - so it was definitely a success on that front. I guess, at the end of the day, I have to thank them for that, outcome be damned.

(But somehow Tyra still managed to wreak havoc with her "Model Madness" moving editorial.)

ANTM, Cycle 15: Return to the Glory Days?

Every time a new cycle of America's Next Top Model begins, I brace myself for Tyra's self-serving antics, bad special effects, and girls who scream at each other because they're not "real" or "respectful." Ever since Cycle 8 or so, the show's felt a little empty, like it needed to be put out to pasture. There were Wal-Mart challenges, guys. It was serious.

But I'm starting to think Cycle 15 may be singing a different tune. Has Tyra listened to fan feedback (aka common sense) and restructured the show to be more like cycles of yore and yesteryear? Gasp! It certainly seems like it.

This all seems to have stemmed from the fact that this is the "high fashion cycle." (Sorry, Wal-Mart.) The winner gets a cover of Italian Vogue, and Tyra's name is on the line. She can't deliver a half-assed winner like she could for Ann Shoket at Seventeen! Italian Vogue is legit. The girl can't be chosen because of her personality or because Tyra thinks she'd be a good "Cover Girl," whatever that means. Girl's gotta take flawless photos, consistently, and be intelligent about the business. This is serious pressure. And because of it, Tyra appears to be making sensible decisions again.

For example, Ms. Banks seems to have spent her budget on luring in actual icons of the fashion industry and not on superfluous CGI for worn-out gimmicks. Diane Von Furstenberg was there, y'all! And she didn't even seem bored out of her mind - because she's technically too good for this show. It's amazing! I was tired of seeing the same rotation of people involved because Tyra didn't want to add anyone on payroll.

Furthermore, the girls seem well-cast, personality-wise, which is hugely important. There's only so much needless bitchiness I can take, and last cycle I about had my fill. (How was it that no one was likeable?!) This cycle has its teen mom, its awkward swan, its biracial butterfly, its resident lesbian, and its girl-with-an-eating-disorder, but these tropes are playing out in compelling ways thus far. Last night's episode tactfully touched on homosexuality and anorexia, letting Tyra indulge in her therapist role without playing dress-up and overacting. Seeing Tyra sit down with the girls so early on was actually a treat. She had previously stepped away from the "I'm your cool aunt Tyra!" role adopted in the early cycles. But last night, she was refreshingly present. I guess when you're footing a model for Italian Vogue you better spend some time with her and make sure she's not going to destroy your reputation.

In short, this bit of added pressure is doing the show some good. So far we've witnessed a mini renaissance of the things that made us like this show in the first place: Tyra being silly but taking it seriously, interesting personalities interacting (sans temper tantrums), and focus on the modeling itself. And the best part? Tyra doesn't seem to be attempting to coin any new phrases! It's gonna be a good cycle.

I look forward to seeing the rest of you, 15! Don't prove me wrong here.

Tyra Banks' Inflating Narcissism

You don't have to watch America's Next Top Model to know that the one thing Tyra Banks loves more than anything else in the world is... Tyra Banks. And perhaps barbecue. But that's another blog post.

Tyra's slippery descent into complete and utter self-absorption has played out entirely on television, and nowhere is it more apparent than the opening credits for her first TV baby, America's Next Top Model.

Take a look at Cycle 1:



Gasp! There's hardly any Tyra!

It continued in a similar fashion for five more cycles, and not only did she refrain from plastering her face all over the credits, she actually used footage of previous winners in a celebration of their victories. Aw, good for you, Tyra!

Cycle 6... look at all the former winners!



We started hitting a rough patch around Cycle 7.



Uh-oh. Notice all the shots of Tyra at the beginning? But I guess it's okay, they're just photos from her portfolio. Plus, she still included all the previous winners in the montage and that's really nice of her. She has a right to be in her own opening credits, after all!

But then Cycle 10 happened, and Tyra took her first sip of the intoxicating elixir of self-absorption.



No former winners! And a special segment devoted only to Tyra... as a fierce ringmaster? Whyyyy, Tyra? Why do you foresake the integrity of your show?

But it only got progressively more absurd. Here's Cycle 11:



Instead of just inserting her own photos into the opening credits, Tyra decided to do a whole shoot of just herself, acting out her duties as producer and showrunner - but in a model kind of way. I know that when I'm in the editing room with a colleague, I like to wear my headset and clap my hands in front of his face to get his attention! And who doesn't love to wag their "OH NO YOU DIDN'T" finger while in hair and makeup? Not me, that's who.

But the nail in Tyra's mirror-lined coffin is the most recent cycle of opening credits, Cycle 14. Take a look:



Oh. Holy. Jesus. Not only did Tyra include herself in the intro, SHE PUT HERSELF IN A ROOM OF MIRRORS. SHE MULTIPLIED. One Tyra at a time was not enough. We clearly needed more. And what's with the spandex-workout-wear styling, huh, Ty-Ty? This makes no sense to my brain, and certainly not to my eyes.

The ultimate Tyra count for the whole opening, including all reflections and repeated images: 92. NINETY-TWO TYRAS.

And that's how she likes it. Because if you question her motives, she will zap you with smiling laser eyes, dunk you in barbecue sauce and fiercely grill you on her George Foreman.